Bringing Joy Back

One of the most common problems I see is depression associated with feeling joy-less despite having what many would consider the crème de la crème of good living: beautiful family, healthy children, dream home, solid career, friends, material comforts, and so forth.  Typically, the client is a woman in her early to mid 40’s, and she’s struggling with a debilitating amount of shame for having feelings that, according to her, she shouldn’t be feeling.  Often I’ll hear, “You probably think I’m pathetic for being here talking about this when so many other people have actual problems.”  Well, I think to myself, if not being able to enjoy the life you’re in isn’t a problem, I don’t know what is.  As far as I know, there is no Universal law that says depression and shame are reserved for those with problems of a certain specification and/or socioeconomic status.  We all suffer in some way; suffering, after all, is part and parcel to the human condition.  So, once the business of comparing who has a right to feel sad and disconnected and who doesn’t is over, the work of discovering what it is to be a human being versus a human doing can begin.These women are loving, strong, and capable – they’ve simply forgotten to remember what actually matters to them.  Somewhere in the hustle to make everyone and everything look effortlessly put together, the light in their own spirit goes out.  The words I commonly hear to describe this type of darkness are empty and lonely; “Empty” because the energy spent attending to other people’s comfort and happiness far exceeds energy connecting with what gives their own Self a sense of joy; “Lonely” because when you’re acting as Superwoman, you, alone, should be able to do it all!  If you can’t…well, then you’re not Superwoman and no one can know that – at least that’s how the story so often goes.  Coming to understand that spinning an inordinate amount of plates successfully is not, in and of itself, the ingredient for a life well lived, is the first step toward taking the proverbial cape off and joining the rest of us in being imperfectly perfect (a.k.a. human).  From there, the claws of perfectionism loosen, a hair falls out of place, somebody forgets to bring lunch to school, Johnny gets to practice 10 minutes late, Susie leaves her shin guards at home, and instead of the wheels coming off the cart…you could be laughing instead of crying, doing your best instead of doing it all, and forgiving yourself instead of should-ing on yourself.  Life happens whether you learn how to find joy in it or not.  Might as well give joy a chance because the opposite guarantees you nothing but resentment and a headache.