Go On and Say It

Walkin' like a one man armyFightin' with the shadows in your headLivin' out the same old moment…Knowin' youd be better off insteadIf you could onlySay what you need to say…

Taken from John Mayer’s song “Say What You Need to Say”, these lyrics describe the emotional experience that catalyze my clients’ decision to seek therapy. Alone in their struggle, exhausted from the energy it takes to avoid hard and, often times, painful emotions, and living as if they’re on a hamster wheel, they are circling around the same issues over and over with no clear or easy solution. The end result: frustration, loneliness, anxiety, depression, and an overall malaise that taints their experiences and dampens their spirits. The manifestations of the dysfunction may look different according to age and stage in life: an adolescent screaming for independence; a college student torn between the “right” major and where their passion lies; a mother desperate for validation; or, a man who dreams big, but fears failure. We’re all susceptible to feelings that make us the most vulnerable. How effectively we manage our discomfort, though, is the difference between progress and paralysis.If saying what you need to say were as straightforward an action as our logic tells us it should be, people would spend far less time trying to read between someone else’s lines and/or waiting for someone to read between theirs. Instead, we would come to understand that acknowledging our needs, insecurities, and longings is a strength, and learning how to articulate (versus avoiding or discounting) them is one of the most tender, brave, and kind things we can do for ourselves and those we love.

Even if your hands are shakin'And your faith is brokenEven as the eyes are closin'Do it with a heart wide openA wide heart

Think about the best conversation you’ve ever had, a time when you’ve felt deeply loved, or the most courageous thing you’ve ever done – or seen someone else do. Likely, the common thread is that the experience moved you in some way. Not because it was easy or predictable or entirely comfortable, but because it lit a fire inside you that inspired a desire for more. That’s when you know you’ve stepped off the hamster wheel and into living your life. Waiting for the right time, the perfect setting, or all of your ducks to be in a perfect row before you say what you need to say is the equivalent of trying to catch a wave upon the sand. It won’t happen. Your life is happening now – not in the fantasy of “what if” or “if only” or “I’ll do that when…” Now is it.