A Note on Love

With the buzz of Valentine’s Day swirling about, it’s hard to think about love in the context of anything other than Hallmark’s dreamy version of cupid and starry-eyed lovers holding hands under the moonlight. Whatever your feelings about the pink and red glow of Valentine’s paraphernalia lining store shelves, there’s something wonderfully nostalgic about candy heart messages and telling someone they’re the apple of your eye. So, without taking anything away from the fantasy or the schoolgirl fun, I wonder if this “holiday” has something bigger to offer us than the sweet titillations of chocolate, romance, and snuggles.Whether I’m working with an adolescent, middle-aged individual, or senior, their experience of love is the same: complicated. In healthy relationships, we are drawn to people that make us feel warm, wanted, understood, cared about, and respected. Similarly, we are repelled when we feel unwelcome, unheard, belittled, neglected, and unable to trust. Simply put, love represents a relationship with what makes us feel good and what makes us feel bad. The reality of love strays so far from the fantasy – so much so that the discrepancy is often more disappointing than the pain or strain of what would otherwise be considered a hiccup on the trajectory of relationships. What becomes important, then, is to understand that A) fairytales are, in fact, fairy tales and B) generally speaking, true love is made up of more than just one thing.Think of love as a gemstone: beautiful, imperfect, multi-faceted, at its sparkling best when taken care of, dull and cloudy when not. When it’s new, you can’t imagine its brightness ever fading. That said, even in the best circumstances, the normal everyday wear and tear of life takes its toll. It’s in these moments that we have to remember the most important thing about a gemstone is not how good it looks on the outside, but rather the strength of the setting in which it is laid. And it’s the same with love. How do you build, protect, and nurture a foundation for love in your life?In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, make it a practice to give/send/receive love today, and everyday. Foundations are not built – at least not well – in crises. They take time, attention to detail, and patience. Especially patience. Be kind to yourself in the process and don’t be afraid of the hard work. That’s where you’ll find your strength to carry on.