The Strength in Being Gentle

I recently saw a presentation given by Jeremy Cowart, an internationally renowned Photographer and Humanitarian. Whether you’re familiar with Jeremy’s name or not (I wasn’t), you may be familiar with his work as his portfolio includes an extensive list of Hollywood household names. The point of his presentation was not to shine a light on his photography work, per se, but rather the path that led him to take pictures and, ultimately, build a platform for social awareness and change that, at only 38 years old, has turned his dreams of healing the human spirit through art into a reality around the world. The crux of his message was that despite his laundry list of adult achievements, he didn’t grow up thinking he had anything extraordinary to offer. The latter, of course, was reinforced by his poor performance in school and equally lacking talent in sports and other more traditional outlets. Whenever he faced a challenge his first response was “I can’t”. His parents, however, always told him he could.After reflecting on Jeremy’s story and the message his parents gave him over and over about his capability, I remembered the words Aibileen Clark spoke to the little girl, May Mobley, she took care of in the movie, “The Help”:"You is kind.You is smart.You is important.”Aibileen didn’t tell May who she should be just as Jeremy’s parents never told him what he should do (i.e. be a better math student, play football, write, etc.). Herein lies the subtle difference between guiding and telling. Guiding is about inviting someone to consider something new and different. Telling involves pointing directly at what you want someone to see/do. The former creates an open space for curiosity to develop whereas the latter places limits around what is or isn’t considered interesting or important. We hire guides for their expertise and ability to show us what we might not necessarily know to look for on our own. We hire coaches for their expertise and ability to tell us specifically what we need to do to improve. What Jeremy’s parents did so beautifully was make a safe space for their son to go through his process of negativity and self-doubt, while being persistent in their message: “you can”. So, when Jeremy discovered photography at 9 years old, he felt a spark for something for the first time in his life. That spark combined with the idea that his parents might have known what they were talking about all those years trumped any uncertainty he had about pressing forward.Think of someone who serves as a guide and/or coach in your life. Likely, the characteristic that makes that person(s) effective is their intuitive knowing of how and when to switch gears between guiding and coaching. All of us need both influences in our life, but sometimes we need more or less of one style depending on who we are and the circumstances of our lives. Finding that sweet spot in how we approach those we want to help is made all the more possible when we let go of our own need, want, or wish to control the outcome.