The Good in Bye

Last month I mentioned that I'm moving to Ohio in June. At the time, I was writing about the different approaches - impulsive versus informed - people take to making changes. As I prepare to make my transition out of Texas it feels important to continue on with the theme of change and mention another aspect of it that is normal and necessary, but often minimized or, worse, ignored altogether: grief.Grief tends to have a negative connotation because its first associations are with sadness and loss. No one likes the idea of being without someone or something they've grown attached to - whether it's a pet, person, job, house or a favorite place. We want what we love to stay in its original form forever. And why wouldn't we? Connections that have special meaning are likely the product of time, energy, and sacrifice. The desire to hold on when it’s time to let go is normal. What we don’t realize, though, is that the anticipation of feeling grief can be more debilitating than actually experiencing it. When we get into that primitive, fear-based state of mind that wants to scream out “It’s not fair!” or some iteration of “I’m not going to be okay.”, we are essentially saying, “When something that I don’t like and is out of my control happens, my only choice is to suffer”. Ugh. Considering the fact that most things are out of our control, that is a dismal path. Suffering is a part of life, yes, but staying stuck in it does not need to be your only option.I often tell clients that emotion is energy in motion (e-motion). When we move our emotion (i.e. express it safely and honestly through talking, crying, dancing, etc) we make space for more than just the emotions that, in the moment, feel overwhelming. For example, in the 12 years I’ve lived in Houston, the life I came here thinking I would have did not pan out. I was angry, disappointed, and resentful…and I could still be mired down in the thick of all that. My choice, though, was to place those feelings inside my grief process rather than suffocate underneath them and hold up a victim card. Dispelling the hard, painful emotions I experienced made room for new emotions like relief, gratitude, joy, and hope to find a home inside me and give me reason to press on with the flow of change that was necessarily (albeit painstakingly) happening in my life. Grief is what broke me open to be able to have and experience more – not less. If I didn’t grieve leaving Houston, I would be far sadder because that would mean love and connection never found me here. And, in so many different ways, both did. Grief, through that lens, is a gift, and I encourage you to seek the gift in change that comes your way. It's there.