The Friendly Ghost of Memories Past

In 2004 I married my college sweetheart in Santa Fe.  Eighteen years later and no longer married, I recently went back for the first time in well over a decade.  The specialness of the desert vibe felt just as good as I remembered it and the memories of that time in my life, just as warm.  I know it’s not everybody’s experience to suffer the loss of something as sacred and dream filled as a marriage and still be grateful that it happened, but I am.  At the time, it was everything I thought I wanted.  My marriage provided a safe space to grow up and discover what I needed.  And when I understood that our marriage couldn’t evolve beyond its playful innocence to meet those needs, I knew it was time to leave “home”.  That realization was born of much discomfort and some regret; suffice to say, no path of transformation is linear and mine was no exception.

Last weekend, standing outside the church doors where my younger self stood all dressed up in her white dress and ready to go, I thought back on that beautiful, stuff of fairy tales, wedding day.  I could feel the intensity of my heart beating as if I was right back there.  I could hear my dad’s voice as if he were still here.  So much about my life is different, but I am still the same person.  I just know her better now.

Honey of My Failures
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt - marvelous error! -
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

~Antonio Machado~

I hope you enjoy your Halloween and after it’s all over, I wish you the treat of knowing yourself well enough not to trick yourself out of being who you are.