Grace Under Fire

One of the issues I discuss most frequently with clients is perfectionism.  In Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she defines this pattern of thinking and behaving as “…a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”  Though perfection isn’t attainable (because it doesn’t actually exist), the pursuit of it is relentless.  I continue to be struck by the degree to which people allow themselves to suffer under its fallacy and, yet, here I am, falling victim to its seduction as I write this blog.  Here’s why: I’ve been blogging for nearly four years and I post each installment at least one day before the last day of the month.  Well, today is the last day of June and I’m still writing.  This is the first time I haven’t delivered “on time” and the perfectionist in me feels like a failure.  What an awful and absurd feeling.  Of course, now that I’ve moved into judging myself I’ve extended an open invitation for shame to creep in and convince me that I can’t possibly write anything that has any value before the clock strikes midnight.  Following this line of thinking, I might as well throw in the towel and hope that I do better in July.  Rationally speaking, I know that there is nothing about what I’m experiencing that’s rooted in truth, only my own made up idea of what I “should” do and what I tell myself it means now that I haven’t done it.  There are no real consequences if I miss a month and it might even be a good exercise for me to intentionally let June go by without posting anything.  You can’t see me pausing to marinate on that idea, but I am…And I’m back.  I’ve decided a more comfortable first step toward releasing myself from this paralyzing grip is to continue sharing my experience as it unfolds in the writing of this blog.  It may not be the most riveting, depthful, or poetic reflection I’ve produced, but I know it’s relatable and that matters more. People often ask me how they can get control over their perfectionistic drives and lay their guard down so that they might experience true joy.  It’s a fair and good question and much to the chagrin of those asking the question, the answer is the opposite of what perfectionists thrive on: order and predictability.  True joy is made of messier ingredients than that!  It comes from learning how to roll in the mud with uncertainty and find your way through it without numbing, blaming, or denying whatever darkness has dimmed your light.  It’s about cultivating unconditional love for yourself, which really just means befriending all that you are the same way you do anyone else you choose to love.  Vulnerability is joy’s most generative seed and perfectionism’s greatest enemy.  When you can receive these words with openness and humility, you will have crossed the bridge between white knuckling your joy and inhabiting it:“Everything you are - the fierce and the fragile, the calm and the crazy, the beautiful and perfectly imperfect.  Own it all because you live it all, you are loved for it all, and you are celebrated for it all” (Author Unknown)Now, it’s still June, I’ve given the best of what I’ve got for now, and, low and behold, I’ve got a blog to post!  Perfectionism did not win today.